Well, I’ve been gone for a while now. Busy with other things, I guess. Only now I’ve got this problem and I just have to talk about it.
I went to the doctor (ob/gyn for yearly exam) on June 16 and she found a lump in my right breast. I’ll admit that I don’t do self exams with any kind of regularity, but this thing was pretty big. At least, it feels big to me so I don’t know how I missed it. Anyway, this is the middle of June and by early July I finally got around to having an ultrasound. Basically, that just told them that I needed more tests. Yippee. So next came the mammogram. Now, I’ve had one before. 2 years ago my primary physician sent me to have a “baseline” mammogram so there would be something to compare future tests to. So, I’ve been through the boobie squishing once before. But this second mammogram was PAINFUL! Hurt like the dickens. I had bruises afterwards, too. Still, at least it was over.
I got a nice letter from the guy who read it telling me the results were abnormal and that I should be hearing from my doctor about it. Of course, by this time I already had an appointment scheduled with a surgeon. I saw him on Monday, July 12, 2010. He wants to do a biopsy. We’re gonna do it in his office. He’ll use a little gun to take samples and use the ultrasound to guide it. I cannot express how excited I am by this notion. Especially the “we’ll need to take four or five samples” part. Just the thought of it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Oh, and have I mentioned that I also have a hernia? No? Well, I do. I saw the surgeon who’s going to fix it yesterday, July 13, 2010. I like her lots better than the guy doing the biopsy on my breast lump. She did my gall bladder surgery 5 years ago. Anyway, I asked her if she’d handle whatever future care I need once we get the results of the biopsy and she said she would. So one more visit with the guy in Dearborn County and then it’s to Madison for whatever comes next.
I’d rather go to Madison than Lawrenceburg. I hate making that drive and Madison is much closer anyway. Plus, as I said, I like Dr. Gifaldi. She’s feisty. I suppose I feel better dealing with a woman, too. It’s just awkward having some strange man play with my breast. (Not that he actually played with it, but it was still awkward.)
I’m dreading the biopsy itself, but anxious to get on with it so I’ll know if there’s a problem. I’m the kind of person who hates not knowing. I’d rather face it head on than have to sit here wondering. The depression doesn’t help with this issue. I have to constantly stop myself from drifting off into a world of “what ifs.” Some amount of speculation is normal, I’m sure. How could a person not think about what might happen if they have cancer? Still, my depression encourages me to take it to a whole new level. A level that is not only unhealthy and stress inducing, but borderline insane. I’ve been down that road too many times in the past and don’t want to go there again, especially with this. I’ll make myself crazy. So I keep having to force myself to focus on other things.
This is a marginally successful tactic at best. I’ve got a new iPad (had it for a few weeks) and I play with it constantly. I have tons of games of all kinds and I use it to distract myself. The problem is, this keeps me from devoting appropriate time to the things I need to be doing, like getting rid of some of the junk we’ve accumulated through the years once and for all. Every time I put the iPad down, my mind tries to turn to dark thoughts. So I do crosswords or play solitaire or work other puzzles or games, and when that isn’t working, I sleep. Another facet of the depression. I’m sleeping way too much, which is making it hard for me to sleep soundly. And all of this is just one more reason that I can’t wait to get the biopsy results so I’ll know if I actually have anything to worry about.
Wow, I started this sometime this morning and it’s taken me this long to finish it because the stupid power keeps going on and off. No power, no internet. Welcome to the boonies. Every time the power comes back on and I get everything (air conditioners, fans, clocks, dishwasher) up and running again, the stupid power goes right back off so I have to start all over. I waited a while after the last time and figured “they surely have the problem handled by now!” NOT! And it’s hotter than all get out, too, which wouldn’t be a problem if the power was just flickering on and off. But it went off and stayed off for an hour. House started getting hot and it hasn’t had a chance to cool back down since the power hasn’t stayed on for any reasonable length of time since. Somehow, I’ve got to cook dinner…